Typically we love library books in this house. We are a reading family. Every now and again there is a library book that keeps me away at night.
The following is the gripping drama of the First Grade Library book Petunia’s Christmas as outlined by the inner monologue of Random Andie Copyright 1952. (The book, not Random Andie.)
Petunia is a goose who goes for a walk in the snow. She ends up at the next farm over where she hears something call out to her. She ran over to see who was calling her. It was Charles the boy goose. They fall madly in love at first sight. Do not be sarcastic Andie, O won’t get it. Just smile and read the book and try not to vomit.
Charles tells Petunia his woeful story of how he is caged and he is so fat because the farmers wife feeds him every day. They are trying to fatten him up to be Christmas dinner. He wants to know why Petunia is so svelte. He can’t possible escape his terrible circumstances because he is too fat to fly over the fence and the farmers wife only opens the gate to walk in and feed him once a day. He pleads with Petunia to help him escape. Ok Petunia…seriously?! Why can’t he just not eat all the food? Or I don’t know, why doesn’t he run around the cage and get some exercise. Then he can fly over the fence, problem solved. Why doesn’t he just peck the farmers wife and run for it? Do not fall for this Petunia.
So Petunia goes home firm in her resolve to help Charles escape so they can be together. Petunia honey, get a grip. He’s a loser. Once home she decides to paint herself to look like a fairy tale monster. Her plan is to go back and scare the farmers wife and let Charles escape. She did such a good job painting herself that it scared a fox away. What does the fox say? Fabulous now that song is stuck……..focus here. So she heads back to Charles and waits until the farmers wife comes and opens the gate. Then she jumps out and scares the living crap out of the farmers wife. The farmers wife is so scared she runs away screaming and leaves the gate open. Petunia and Charles escape. You go girl. You go get your man!!
As they run away, the farmer’s wife is still raising a ruckus so the farmer comes out to see what is going on. He sees Charles running away with what appears to be a “goose-footed-flying-dragon.” So the farmer grabs his gun and goes after Charles. A gun?! This is a first grade library book. I better not have to sit here and explain something I do not want to explain at 8:45 p.m. with bedtime right around the corner!! This must have been in Texas. This farmer better not shoot these stupid geese!!
Petunia and Charles go back to Petunia’s barn. Farmer with gun storms up and wants Charles back. Petunia storms out of the barn hoping to scare the farmer like she did the farmers wife. Farmer has gun and is not scared. Is about to do away with Petunia when Petunia’s farmer says no way, no how, you aren’t shooting my goose she’s my pet. So Petunia’s farmer starts to admire the way she has painted herself. This farmer has a rather unhealthy attachment to Petunia in my opinion. Charles farmer goes in barn to look for Charles. Charles is hiding in a stack of hay. So let me get this straight. Petunia goes storming out of the barn in an attempt to save Charles and Charles has his fat goose butt hiding in the hay in the barn. Girlfriend, dump Charles right now. Dump him!! You are way too good for this nonsense.
Charles gets taken back to the farm. His farmer says he is worth 75 cents a pound and there is no way he is letting him go. So Petunia decides to earn money to buy Charles freedom. So she calculates his worth. Well she isn’t a complete idiot at least. If is doesn’t work out and there is no pre-nup she’s good with half his worth.
Her brilliant plan is to go into town and panhandle. Uh, ok. This book is ridiculous. I stayed with this nonsense when Charles was a lazy bum and I even hung in there through the whole gun toting. Panhandling? Just read faster O won’t notice. Everybody ignores her panhandling so she must come up with something else. She gathers pine twigs from the bushes and makes Christmas wreaths. She makes paper angels and stars, and then goes back to town and sells them. So wait, this goose is selling stuff on the street. Nobody thought that was off a little? Nobody wanted to take home the goose who could count change? Does she have a vendor license? Hang in there, this has to be about over.
After several days Petunia has enough money to buy Charles freedom. She goes over to Charles place and makes the offer of the money to the farmer in exchange for her beloved. What was Charles doing this whole time? She was out busting her feathers to buy his freedom. Was he just sitting in his cage this whole time getting fatter? Is he going to say anything on his own behalf here? Charles is loser.
The farmers wife is so touched by Petunia’s devotion that she starts to cry. Right. More like farmers wife was ready to unload a fat lazy goose she didn’t want to have to cook for Christmas dinner anyway. Now she can just go out for Chinese. The farmer is so touched by seeing his wife cry that he allows Charles to go free and doesn’t take the money. Charles and Petunia leave. They get married on Christmas day and live happily ever after. That was so painful. That was the most painful book I have read and we have read over 1000. Wait….what did they do with the money? If she is smart she invested it because he doesn’t exactly appear to be an ambitious goose. His only job was to be Christmas dinner and you got him out of that girl. You just signed up for a lifetime of bailing him out.
Me: “O that was the stupidest book we have ever read. Please don’t bring it home again. Whoever wrote this probably was on crack.”
O: “What’s crack?”
Sigh……...