My father is a semi-retired farmer and my mother just retired from the Postal Service this summer. My father gave my mother exactly 2 days off before they hooked up the old RV and headed for country other than hotter-than-hell Oklahoma for the summer. From time to time, my sister or myself will check on their home.
It so happens my mother called me today and asked if I would go make sure she unplugged her curling iron. They came home long enough yesterday to probably do 2 loads of laundry and then they left again. She could not remember if she unplugged the curling iron. Happens to all girls. So I agreed to embark upon this journey. My 7 year old was flat out was uninterested in the 5 mile trip so I took him to my sister’s house. My brother in law was home, so I enlisted my sister in a quick trip to check on the curling iron.
Quickly upon arrival we discovered my mother had not only unplugged her curling iron, but she had neatly rolled up the cord and stuffed it in an empty toilet paper holder like she always does. I couldn't help but notice the curling iron is covered in duct tape. My sister informs me it's been like that for a long time. Note to self: get mom a new curling iron that turns itself off! Christmas done! At minimum I have some decorative duct tape.
Then as daughters do, we start pontificating what pantry items may be useful to us and what my mother won't notice is missing. This leads us to a little game my sister and I like to call "will it be expired?” It’s like the old David Letterman game, Will it Float? We decide to start in the refrigerator, deli drawer first. Neatly wrapped in a ziplock baggie is a 1 lb. block of green cheese. Though I could not discern an expiration date, my guess is, it's not supposed to be green. Moving on to the door we find 2 out of 3 bottles of salad dressing expired. We have a discussion about whether butter can expire, then my sister notices there is a half gallon of milk in the door. The expiration on that puppy is June 2. Read that again...JUNE 2! Now note today’s date. Incidentally I should mention that June 2 is exactly two days after my mother retired. It's probably pretty good cottage cheese at this point. We decide against opening the milk and glance in the fruit drawer. Immediately we chicken out of actually opening said drawer. I believe we were looking at apples, but only a forensic lab can know for sure. Something with the brand name Tostitos didn't look right at all, and there was some Ragu Cheese Sauce in a jar that was moldy as well. We decide to close the refrigerator all the while discussing how we should really clean it out. We make plans to do so, but I’ll be honest here, we left everything right where it was. Daughter’s of The Year we are not.
On to the pantry. This has become a little bit of a competition between my sister and I. Pick up a box, guess the expiration year. Pick up a can, guess the expiration year. Did you know marshmallows crystallize eventually? Why do two people have 7 boxes of cereal? Half of what's on the shelves is expired. I think 2009 was the oldest thing we found in there. I have honestly seen worse.
Onto the Jello drawer! This starts out very disappointing as it looks as if someone has cleaned this out, no boxes have that delightful yellowing look. We start through the little basket in the drawer that houses packets. Most of them were past their prime. Then low and behold there it is! The one item we have been waiting for. The one that will provide inspiration for a blog post. There is a $.79 price tag on it. It's a chili packet. Immediately my sister points out that chili packets haven’t been $.79 in a very VERY long time. We are pumped with anticipation. Expiration.....2003! Yep 2003! Predates 6 of their last 7 grandchildren. Pre-dates one child's marriage. That chili packet has surely earned its place in the family scrapbook somewhere!
In my euphoria of the 2003 find, I decided to bite into a shortbread cookie in a package on the counter. Those can't go bad can they? My sister says they can. She's right. I am pointing out to her she is right when she informs me she ate a Kit Kat "that tasted kind of funky." We perused the same liquor in the liquor cabinet that's been there for a supremely long time. Why do my parents have a bottle of Jose Cuervo? I really don't see my mother kicking back tequila shots. She is 65 and in my whole life I have seen her drink approximately….well zero times. We formulate a plan to come back out with husband and teenagers so they can do the actual work of getting rid of stuff. We agree not to tell my mother until it's done. We are good daughters!
Now I can't get the song Jose Cuervo out of my head.