Workout clothes, specifically leggings, are my nemesis. I go to the gym four days a week and every morning EVERY woman in my class is wearing workout leggings except me. They have pink leggings, and galaxy leggings, and neon leggings, the patterns and colors are endless. Many have cute, matching inspirational tank tops that say things like “sore today, strong tomorrow,” or “my head says gym, but my heart says tacos.” Under the tanks some have taken the time to have cute color-coordinated sports bras. Nobody appreciates a witty t-shirt more than me and I really am in awe of these women, but I just can’t seem to force myself to go there.
Nope, I am the one over here in the corner sporting post pregnancy pants when my kid is much closer to 11 than 10. One of the shirts I work out in, I wore when I flipped burgers to pay for college in 1997. When I sweat enough in that shirt, I swear I can catch a whiff of Broasted Chicken. Embarassingly enough there are 87 t-shirts hanging in my closet. Yes….87. The oldest one I can date to 1992, so apparently I keep t-shirts forever. Technically this is cool because about half of them can be classified as vintage. So I can’t really bring myself to invest in any cute “drop it like a squat” shirts.
Now pants are a different story. I have four pair of pants worthy of working out in. They literally are all pants I bought after I had my kid. One of them is starting to wear a little thin, so I have been perusing the internet for new workout pants. At every click of the mouse I see workout leggings. When I think about putting on a pair of these, I almost go full on panic attack. You know what happens when you pierce the casing of a bratwurst with a fork? The bratwurst is packed so tightly in that casing that it just sort of spills out. That is what I imagine leggings would look like on me. Except the bratwurst is smooth, and my thighs are not. So actually the bratwurst has the no cellulite thing going for it.
Do you know how a body shop fixes a dent in a car? They take the dents out as much as they can and then bondo the rest to make sure the finish is smooth when they paint the car. That is what I need, some thigh bondo. You spread it on your thighs to fill in the dimples and make the surface area smooth. THEN you put on the leggings. If someone could work on thigh bondo I volunteer to be your test subject and best customer.
Honestly, I realize it is ridiculous to be so stressed out about workout clothes, but this has been my struggle the last week or so. I think I am just to close to the problem. Luckily a girl I went to high school with who has also been working toward a healthier lifestyle has unknowningly come through for me. Like me, she appears to take her journey seriously (she truly wants to be healthier), and also like me she doesn’t take HERSELF to seriously. Just when I had about given up on finding something new to workout in she posted this on Facebook….
And if I can find those shirts and earrings, nobody will be looking at my bratwurst!!!